don’t try

when all alone
i begin to listen to nightfall,
only to fall apart once the sun comes up–
having a heart attack from memories of my past.

laying in bed,
the seasons have started to turn,
the beer bottles pile up,
my cigs steal
the only light
and the blood that once ran
like rain gutters
have dried up, stained
and nearly disintegrated
the crooked floorboards.

the words that have kept me cold,
hard and distant
have become comfortable
and soft.

i need to shake
and shiver.
lock myself out
in the middle of winter and
watch as my skin turns frail
and dry.
cutting into my veins,
saving me from instant death-
leaving me to die by my own hands.

so i sit and wait.
watching the sun
as my blood coagulates
and my tongue is burnt
from the taste.
waiting until my mind
breaks free.

here i sit and stare
at a blank page.
where the waves rush
along my feet as though
im holding rare flowers
over a tomb.

i wait until my eyes wake open
and my scared tongue
is cut and let loose.

All I can be be is myself,
no more phony, soft bullshit.

Cravings

fuck fresh air.

i crave the fog
of nicotine,
and the skin diseased,
soak rattling
stench of used
booze bottles.

Strewn all over my one room floor,
along with crumpled,
baseball sized
emotions thrown away
like used condoms.

fuck going outside.

the truth is exposed
underneath wounds.
staring down the barrel
of my .44 caliber
im reminded of the shit stain
i left
when leaning over the edge to find out
what was left of my past life.
at that moment i realized
i cant change.

these moments of suicide-
all alone and bleeding,
staring at a white wall
soaked in gun powder,
is when im awake
and conscious.

when the sun finally rises,
the prison i live in
is still darkened–
too afraid to wake up
and find my tombstone.

blood in, blood out

holding on to our hearts like our own child, blurs the lines until the moment we cross it. I sang songs that lit up the night, in daylight even, I hit the high notes at the same time I felt it. Blood in, blood out we never had an doubt. I came to understand the desperation when I had nothing. Nothing to hold on to. A million miles up in the air, falling is nothing when all I fear is losing you more, my dear. My feet are on the ground, more stable than I ever was shouldering the pain i came to know seems to have melted away with the rain. Leaving you was the one regret that came over me like a whirlwind, twisting and pulling my mind all around in ways as furious as your mouth. not knowing what exactly I had, I sat all alone in a room without a view-blanketing my eyelids as if night wore on beyond infinity. You came to me in my sleep, in my mind all day and all night until the minutes, hours, days and months built up beyond repute. until I burst and my tears swallowed me whole.