don’t try

when all alone
i begin to listen to nightfall,
only to fall apart once the sun comes up–
having a heart attack from memories of my past.

laying in bed,
the seasons have started to turn,
the beer bottles pile up,
my cigs steal
the only light
and the blood that once ran
like rain gutters
have dried up, stained
and nearly disintegrated
the crooked floorboards.

the words that have kept me cold,
hard and distant
have become comfortable
and soft.

i need to shake
and shiver.
lock myself out
in the middle of winter and
watch as my skin turns frail
and dry.
cutting into my veins,
saving me from instant death-
leaving me to die by my own hands.

so i sit and wait.
watching the sun
as my blood coagulates
and my tongue is burnt
from the taste.
waiting until my mind
breaks free.

here i sit and stare
at a blank page.
where the waves rush
along my feet as though
im holding rare flowers
over a tomb.

i wait until my eyes wake open
and my scared tongue
is cut and let loose.

All I can be be is myself,
no more phony, soft bullshit.